Even though we all know that life unfolds in cycles...
and that our personal stories reveal themselves,
then hide from sight, evolve, regenerate,
resurface and repeat...
I want to explain some hidden parts of my journey to you. After all, you are still here, and I appreciate that 🙂
How it started...
2018--There I was, a happily deconstructed, messy Christian walking a completely organic spiritual spiral, when I decided to bring my feelings and experience into f o r m by illustrating my own tarot deck. Within a couple of years (through extensive social media marketing) my solitary mystical experience expanded into multiple areas: Shamanism, the Priestess path, Moon ceremonies, New Age philosophy, the Ascension community, Astrology, and various Starseed ideas. I was having an amazing time... well, until I wasn’t.
Using Spirituality to Escape...
Most people call it Bypassing, but upon observation now, that sounds too intentional. I made no conscious decision to bypass or arrive where anyone else was. I was Escaping--a skill most Cancer (stelliums) and INFP’s have mastered. I was digging worlds within worlds within worlds into my interior landscape and I was just fine living there, thank you very much. I felt I had created a shatter-proof container, but I had been ignoring the reason why I had started digging to begin with. What was I escaping and why?
Unfortunately, it would be years before I would even have the clarity or presence of mind to confront this question, and there’s not a simple answer. In short, I was dealing/not dealing with a handful of decades-old traumas that had become very impacted in my subconscious. At the end of 2020, I abruptly left my marriage, moved back to the South (from Colorado) with my 5 year old and 8 year old, and realized the container I’d built and practices I’d mastered were about to completely fail me.
Demonizing ourselves...
It was a scary time for other spiritual teachers, healers, writers, dreamers, “way-showers” as we neared the end of the pandemic. I sat, single for the first time in 15 years, in my new Little Rock apartment surrounded by crystals, plants, and a dwindling supply of tarot decks. I opened an email from arguably the most highly respected and influential spiritual teacher in my circle, and read that she was shutting the doors of her healing center, renouncing all of her New Age practices, and converting to Christianity. I was floored. Soon after this, my new shipment of 500 tarot decks from China was lost in transit.
What followed was a year of excruciating inner conflict and confusion, as I wrestled with the implications of what it meant to be a part of the community in which I’d adopted, the practices I’d taught, and my role in other peoples’ healing. If I hadn’t managed to see my own wounding clearly, how could I shine a light for others?
What I believe now, is that we are all seeking a sense of safety as much as we are seeking wholeness and for many of us there comes a crossroads where we may have to choose which one we value more. Unfortunately, for some of the more spiritually adventurous who have experienced otherworldly and supernatural phenomenon, who have faced their shadows and moved energy, whose boundaries have dissolved and have felt their souls shape-shift, life can very suddenly change and cast a dark light on our path. And if we are engaged in these multi-dimensional and soul stretching practices without having confronted our personal traumas, tragedies and insecurities, we could be setting ourselves up for emotional disaster and, quite frankly, mental anguish.
Under these conditions, if we panic, lose our footing, and find ourselves reaching for safety and security in more traditional and acceptable practices, we may have to create a “villain” in order to be rescued by the “hero.” And don’t get me wrong-- I needed to be saved and I needed redemption. I just don’t think I had to check my intuition, critical thinking, wild feminine nature, and spiritual sensitivities at the door in order to be held and comforted in the arms of the Divine. I didn’t have to demonize who I had become.
So if you need to hear this....
I will share what I’ve come to believe after 5 years of New Age hiatus and raw dogging it in the 3D, (and most of this will be very unpopular.)
~We need God. We are not God. We are not here to realize our Divinity. If our spiritual practices become more focused on ascension and attaining wisdom or manifesting our ideal reality, than they are about being fully devoted to our Higher Power, we have lost our way and will never feel truly fulfilled.
~We are not sovereign. Yes, we are granted free will and the ability to reach certain levels of autonomy as humans, but we are not intended to be entirely self-governing. No matter what, we did not bring ourselves into being, into incarnation, any more than we determined and constructed the layout of the cosmos. So let’s be real. And the truth is (for me) it’s such a relief to let this one go.
~We need to be human. “Ascending” the 3D is detrimental to our spiritual health and growth. Life is happening all around us--that’s the reality-- and we have to confront and deal with our shit. We need to ask ourselves, what is right in front of my face that I’m avoiding? Do I need to consolidate my debt, hire a divorce lawyer, get on someone’s (anyone’s) payroll, go to therapy, get on some meds for a minute, join a church, get a cat--even though I think I’m just a dog person?
Is it time to put down the cards, crystals, and palo santo? Is it time to stop quantum leaping, searching for portals, star gazing, and hopping timelines?
However (and here’s the sweet stuff)...
~We are extraordinarily special. This one remains a mystery, but no less true. Despite the fullness, wholeness and incomprehensible vastness of God, He/She wanted more--Us, You and Me. We all bring something valuable to the table of the Universe, so don’t forget it. We were chosen, formed, and birthed into creation because life wasn’t complete without us.
~Our Intuition is a Gift. While traditional religions have forever warned us of the dangers of leaning on our inner truth and instincts, I believe a time is coming where our intuition will soon be valued and trusted. The unfolding and re-balancing of the Sacred Masculine and Sacred Feminine in our world will help to protect and promote our natural spiritual gifts, so keep nurturing yours.
~The World needs the Divine Mother. And if you are reading this, you already know it, because this is our bond! We are breathing her presence into the world when we remember Her, talk about Her, create things of beauty, express our passions, live fearlessly, and nurture others with love and compassion. When we embrace ourselves the way our Mothers did (or the way we wish they had.) we strengthen and solidify her presence.
My Christian roots served me well when my life fell apart. I’ve learned to lean into the healing power and nature of Jesus, who became human to better understand us--to be near to us in our pain, our laughter, our temptations, our failures, our grief, and in our hopelessness. I’ve learned that my polarities are easily held in his arms, that I never needed to build a shatter proof container, because he was already mine.
Ram Dass famously said that we are all just humans walking each other home. I believe, also, that we are walking each other out of our own inner labyrinths, following that red thread together in the beautiful Dark. Thank you for walking with me and sharing this space within the Sacred Mystery. Divine Blessings to you as you embrace whatever new beginnings await you!
And so it is,
Jamie